So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
