I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
