Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
