mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
