Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
