there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
