Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
