I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
