we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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