It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
