I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
