Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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