dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
