Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
