Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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