Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
