ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
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My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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