I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
