i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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