i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
