she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
