I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
