break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
