you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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