I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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