Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
