Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
