my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
