i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
