What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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