Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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