Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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