My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
