we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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