the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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