I hate your face
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
