Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
