did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
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But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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