So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
