We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
