Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
