I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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