Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
