It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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