last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
