everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
