I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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