god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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