i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
