she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
