he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
