end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
