I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
